Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be difficult as the abuse is usually over a considerable amount of time. Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of emotional and psychological abuse by someone displaying traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A key factor in narcissistic abuse is placing all the blame for issues in the relationship on the person being abused. Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot accept responsibility for their actions even when confronted with proof that they were in the wrong. For someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder they are never at fault and it is everyone else who is at fault and they struggle to display any empathy for others. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be grandiose or covert (also known as vulnerable narcissism). Grandiose narcissists are easier to identify as their behaviour is more overt, like needing to be the centre of attention at events and large amounts of self-promotion. A covert narcissist is less comfortable being the centre of attention, are more socially withdrawn due to fears of rejection and are sensitive to criticism.
Here are some steps to help recover from Narcissistic Abuse;
Recognise that it is abuse
Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be very charming and use Love Bombing in the initial stages of a relationship to maintain a hold on the person when they pull away. The person being abused wishes “if only” they were like they used to be at the start of the relationship.
Have no contact with the abuser
This is the best place to begin recovery as the abuser will continue to try to manipulate the other person to being them back under their control. Be prepared that the abuser will react negatively to the ending of contact and try manipulation to avoid the permanent end of the relationship.
Set boundaries
It is sometimes not possible to have no contact with the abuser at all, for example sharing childcare responsibilities. In this situation boundaries need to be clear and continually reinforced to prevent further abuse from occurring.
Get support
Tell others about what is happening. Social support is key to recovery. Join a support group for others recovering from abuse or seek out counselling Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will seek to isolate the person from support because others are likely to notice their behaviours as abuse. Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will often create false narratives around the breakup further isolating the person being abused.
Create a routine
You don’t need to timetable your entire day but have a rough idea of what your day will look like. You can start by getting up at the same time and making breakfast then you can build up from there. A routine is good for supporting any mental health issue as it brings an element of control to your day.
Focus on self-care
Focus on things which support your emotional and physical health. It could be going for a walk, watching a comedy programme or reading, just focus on what makes you feel better. Think about what you have been neglecting about yourself and start to put those things into your routine.
Don’t blame yourself
Be kind to yourself as narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone and forgive yourself and remember you are not at fault for the abuse.
Allow yourself to grieve
Grief occurs with the loss of any relationship and is a normal part of the healing process. You may feel numb, unable to focus on everyday things or worrying about if you will be ever to trust again. These are all normal when recovering from an abusive relationship.
Get back to yourself
It is common to lose a sense of self in an abusive relationship. Rediscover what you like and what you dislike. Think about what you would like to achieve just for you in the next few months, it does not have to be anything big, it could be getting a new haircut or buying a new outfit or going to a concert with friends.
If you want to read more on the subject, the following books are a good place to start;
Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist In Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi
Traumatic Narcissism and Recovery: Leaving the Prison of Shame and Fear by Daniel Shaw
Contact me to find out more at info@forcounselling.co.uk
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