If you haven't read marriage counsellor Gary Chapman's 1992 book, "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts," here is an overview of the 5 love languages to enhance your ability to express your needs and understand your partner's needs within your relationship.
Your love language describes how you prefer to both give and receive love from your partner, a preference that typically takes root during your childhood when your personality is developing. Although it can evolve as your values change, identifying your love language is useful for improving communication in relationships.
You might have noticed love languages in your children's behaviour, for example you might have a child who loves to tell you that they love you but your other child prefers to be cuddled. Often people are not sure what their love language is or have not given it thought, this can create challenges in conveying their preferences to their partners. To assist you in discovering your love language, here are the 5 types;
Acts of service
Gifts
Physical touch
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Acts of service are when a partner helps you get things done - examples include household chores, childcare or life admin. It can be as simple as picking up a pint of milk on the way home or making a partner a coffee or tea. If you know that there is a particular task that stresses your partner out think about if it is something you can help out with.
Gifts are when a partner buys/makes or receives a thoughtful gift. It is not about expensive gifts but the thought put into the gift. The gift is an illustration of how much time your partner spends thinking about you and what makes you happy. Examples include, a partner buying your favourite chocolate bar or framing the tickets from the first music event you went to together.
Physical touch are the partners who love touch. If this is your love language you feel most secure when physically reassured by your partner. Examples include, being hugged by your partner, kissing, or holding hands.
Quality time are those who value having your/giving their time, particularly undivided time. Examples include, date nights where you talk about what is going on for each of you or a simple 5 minute catch-up at the end of the day.
Words of affirmation are when you tell a partner how much you appreciate having them in your life. Examples include saying "I love you" or "I am so proud of you getting that promotion".
To identify your love language, think about each category in turn and rank them based on how important that type of communication is to you. Think about times when you felt most secure in your relationships, both past and present. What was your partner doing or saying that made you feel secure and which category does it fall under. Communicate your findings to your partner and encourage them to share their preferences as well. Understanding each other's needs enables you both to provide the right kind of support for each other. For instance, if your partner values quality time, scheduling activities exclusively for the two of you, like a weekend walk, to foster a deeper connection.
Recognising and addressing potential issues in your relationship is another benefit of understanding love languages. If, for instance, your partner values quality time and you've struggled to allocate it due to work or childcare commitments, they may begin to feel disconnected. Together you can look at how you schedule more time together, maybe planning a break away together after the completion of a work project to reconnect. By proactively discussing and planning for such challenges, you can mitigate potential damage to the relationship and create a more fulfilling bond. For more information, contact me at info@forcounselling.co.uk.